


What'll I Do?

by FrancesHouseman



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dark, Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester UST, M/M, 中文翻译 | Translation in Chinese
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-07
Updated: 2014-03-07
Packaged: 2018-01-14 22:06:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1280458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrancesHouseman/pseuds/FrancesHouseman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is Dean after he’s taken his headphones off and turned out the light. </p><p>This is Dean sitting in the dark and thinking dark thoughts. </p><p>A bit like Mog the Forgetful Cat but, y’know, more intense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What'll I Do?

**Author's Note:**

> There is a translation into Chinese of this fic available off site, thanks to Aphasic. Please see comments for the links :)

_What'll I do_

_When you are far away_

_And I am blue_

_What'll I do?_

_When I'm alone_

_With only dreams of you_

_That won't come true_

_What'll I do?_

-          _Irving Berlin – What'll I Do_

There’s nobody else even vaguely like Sam. There’s no-one else for Dean. There’s no-one who has ever made him feel even a hint of the love/deep satisfaction/conviction of home. There’s no-one else he could even hold a meaningful conversation with. When he tries to imagine baring his soul to somebody else it makes him feel ill. He would sound completely crazy and dangerous. Not that he bares his soul to Sam, not in words anyway, but still. Nobody else could ever understand him. He wouldn’t stand a chance at explaining himself or ever forming any kind of real connection with somebody new. The idea of trying makes his insides seize with panic. They wouldn’t understand his priorities. It feels like everybody else in the world is of a different species, and that he and Sam are the only real human beings.

 

Sam has other priorities in his world besides Dean. It’s what he has been trying to explain, Dean thinks. He wants to be the whole world for Sam but he isn’t. Sam has other priorities, and that’s normal, the way it should be. _Healthy_ , or some therapy-therapy bullshit. It hurts Dean’s heart every time because it makes Sam seem more like one of _them_. One of _everyone-else_. It takes him away from Dean. It makes Dean the only freak on his own.

 

Dean is wrong. He’s a freak. He’s too close to Sam, and wanting to be even closer. Obsessed from the word go and grown up twisted, where as Sam grew straight and tall. Dean’s like an ancient climber, gnarled and twisted around the trunk of his giant redwood of a brother. He’s a parasite but instead of killing his host he keeps him alive. For himself? Maybe Sam’s right. Dean would rather be dead and with Sam than alive and without him. What hurts the most is that Sam can consider ever being without Dean, Dead or alive. It hurts and hurts and hurts. He wants to turn the hurt to anger but how can he? He can’t be angry at Sam for being straighter and stronger: he’s proud of him for it. He wants to be angry with himself but he knows that he’s not going to change, by now. So the hurt stays bright and sharp and lances through him afresh every time he pokes at it.

 

He prods at it now, feels the physical ache of it. There’s going to be no sleep for a while yet.

 

Maybe it’s the lack of trust. Sam feels violated, best Dean can make out, feels that his consent was required. Sam feels like he was angel-raped, and Dean supposes he was. Maybe Sam feels like he was raped by Dean, but Dean’s mind shies away from the idea. Since when has Dean needed Sam’s permission to save his life? That’s what they _do_ : they save each other’s lives. They’ve always trusted each other with their lives. Even in normal-people-law, if Sam was rushed to hospital, unconscious, then Dean, as his next of kin, could consent to possible life-saving surgeries. But apparently this was one procedure too far. One violation that Sam would have died to avoid. And Dean doesn’t understand it because he hates angels too, for the most part, but he’d do it a thousand times – do anything – to stay with Sam.

 

It’s rejection. It feels like rejection, pure and simple. Just because he’s found something that Sam isn’t willing to suffer through to stay by his side. And Sam’s in the right. And Dean’s the freak. And it still hurts. It’s a barrier between them and Dean wants to imagine that there aren’t any. Dean wants to believe that his love for Sam is perfect and unconditional. He knows the world doesn’t work that way, that he’s probably an idiot and an idealist. But it’s all Dean is, at his core. Dean’s love for Sam could never be anything less. He would die first. And by die he means total obliteration, no veil, no heaven, no hell.

 

Sam’s world view is clearly more grown up. So there’s a surprise. Dean knows that Sam loves him, closer than any brothers their age under normal circumstances. All this talk about not being brothers, Sam’s just trying to defend himself (and other innocents) against the crushing destructiveness of Dean’s absolute possessive, obsessive, all-consuming love for Sam. And who can blame him?

 

So Sam’s not a total freak like Dean. That’s great isn’t it? It doesn’t feel great. He’s the strongest person Dean knows. Sam’s mind and soul have suffered such abuse that by rights he should be the bigger freak by far, by now. Dean wonders about blame. What is directly his fault? His father’s fault. Their mother’s fault for making that first deal. What is pre-ordained? He can’t bring himself to care. Except that Sam blames him for this. He blames Dean for manipulating him with his own love for Dean, in order to keep him from completing the Trials. He blames Dean for making him a tool of murder, for allowing his body to be used to snuff out Kevin, their friend and their charge.

 

Dean gets that Sam is pissed that Dean lied to him. Dean’s a liar. He’s the joker in the song and Sam’s the thief because he stole Dean’s heart and never gave it back. It was lie or watch Sam drop dead and watching Sam drop dead was never going to be a possibility. And Sam can fuck off because Sam lies too.

 

It’s this violation of the bond between them, the ultimate truth binding them together, or what Dean had thought had been the ultimate truth of them, that’s flaying Dean open again and again. He feels foolish and it hurts so bad to be reminded that it’s all in his head; that’s he’s blinded by lust. That his feelings for Sam are too much, too intense, to be benign. That it makes him a monster because he will trample anyone who gets between them. Sam won’t.

 

Sam’s not a monster, and so maybe it’s okay. Dean will stay by Sam’s side and trust Sam to keep Dean from hurting people. Perhaps one day Sam will end Dean, end them both, knowing when Dean’s monstrousness becomes too much. That would be okay, Dean thinks, if he can go with Sam.

 

It’s a morbid thought, and certainly a dark one, but it’s peaceful and so Dean sleeps.

 

 

 


End file.
